"Poor Impulse Control"

I have been reading (okay, listening) to Snow Crash. For those who have not read it, simply you just need to know that there is a character who has tattooed on his head "Poor Impulse Control." Punishments usually include tattooing on people's forehead crimes they have committed as a warning to others around them. I laughed for a bit and thought of people in my life and what would they have tattooed on their foreheads. After a few minutes of amusement at my friends expense, the question turned back on myself. What would I have tattooed on my forehead as a warning to those around me? What crimes committed do others need to be forewarned about? Not what do I want warned, but what don't I want others to be warned about? Isn't that the amusement of the tattoo in the story? That it is a sign for everyone in plain sight what you want hidden most. "Permanently Broken"

Pissed Off!

If I have to hear from one more person: "I bet you are grateful to be alive." I am going to fucking punch them in the head (and not emotionally speaking to reference the 40 Year Old Virgin). My god people! I know you are trying to be understanding and caring and positive. But let me spell it out for everyone so they can get it.

On May 25th, 2007 I died. I accepted my life had come to an end. That was all. I said goodbye to my wife, my love, my mother, my child. I experienced the ending of everything and knowing there wouldn't be a tomorrow...........................

then I woke up. And since then every day has been filled with pain and sorrow of that end. Knowing that I will experience that again. Wanting to be close to people and unable to. Being overwhelmed by anger that by no fault of anyone, I have hurt those I love and seemingly ruined my relationships.

Now we can be cheesy and talk about being reborn, a phoenix, being grateful. The truth is this: I have lost everything in my life and every day in every moment is a reminder of that loss. I feel it every waking moment and it has become so overwhelming that being close to people has become something that is not a possibility. Yet isolating myself is also an excruciating pain.

So please spare me the grateful comments and the joys of life. I am glad you think so. I on the other hand have seen what is the cost of it all and it is unbearable to be aware of.

-J

Broken

I am broken, have healed....
still have not mended.

The Night Before.......

The night before..... it is an experience in and of itself. The night before the first day of school. The night before Christmas. The night before the first day of a new job. All my fears, all my aspirations, all my concerns, all the possibilities swirl around keeping me from sleeping. I know I should be rested for tomorrow, but the anticipation and trepidation keep me from my slumber.

Tomorrow (or I should say, today) is the first day of the new hockey season. In 4 hours I will be on the ice. All my concerns, my worries will melt away for that hour as we glide around the rink. Unfortunately, its four hours away, which is fours hours for me to ponder my fears and ponder my hopes.

I pray my hopes will win over my fears.

The Tick

Tick…..tick…..tick…..tick…..”do not tax their lives with forethought of grief”…. Tick…. Tick…. Tick…… tick…… “Forethought of grief”. Tick…. Tick…. Tick…. Tick…. “free”….. tick… tick… tick…. Escape the forethought of grief? Why? I lay here, watching the sun dance through the leaves above me. The grass against my skin, the tick… tick… tick… tick… A bumble bee flies near me… tick… tick… tick… Free? Freedom from the forethought of grief in the moment? What does that mean? Being is grief and free. Tick… tick… tick… tick… FOCUS! Focus on everything around you, tick… tick… tick… tick… I am focusing! Aren’t I? Tick… tick… tick…. Tick… What else is there to focus on besides my own pulse, my heart thumping in my chest. Tick…tick… tick… tick… tick… free from forethought of grief? Tick… tick… tick… the clock ticks away. Rest in the grace of the world…. Tick… tick… tick… tick… sun dancing through the leaves, blinding then dark and then blinding again. Tick… tick… tick… tick… the metronome continues as a clock ticking down my life. FOCUS! Tick… tick… tick… tick… I am focused! Where else should my focus be but on that which is most important to me… my heart pumping blood through my body. The tick of my artificial valve ticks like a clock in my head. There is no escaping it. Why would I want to? The grass is fine, the sun is nice, but the tick… tick… tick… of the valve. It slows as I breathe deeper. Tick…….. tick…….. tick…… it is a constant reminder of grief to come and grief that has been. When the tick stops, so do I. So I lay here and listen to my life…. Tick….. tick….. tick….. tick….. tick….. and lose myself in my own rhythmic beat of my heart feeling each contraction and grateful for each beat. And in each tick is a grateful acceptance of grief that will be as opposed to a reprieve. Tick….. tick….. tick…… tick…. I embrace my future grief when the ticking will end.

When one faces death......

Recently, I went to the ER because I didn't feel "right". Nothing more, nothing less. No extreme pain. No specific symptom. My expectation was that I had some infection or something and they would give me some medication. I ended up having an aneurysm and needed open heart surgery to replace my ascending aorta and my aortic valve. Reduced down, I accepted in a very brief amount of time (a couple of days) that I could very well die and that I had lived my life. Having a three month year old daughter, this was very hard to come to grips with. I have survived, I am recovering (physically); but there is a residue of this acceptance of my death continues to permeate my being in some ominous fashion. The only escape seems to be irrational grasps at normalcy: eating breakfast at a local diner, seeing friends, watching the NHL Stanley Cup games, playing a board game, posting on a blog. In the end, escape doesn't seem to be possible; nor wise. At some point life and death will both need to become part of my existence, I just don't know how it will be at this point.

The Journey of the Human

"At each stage of human existence the adult man is off on his quest of his holy grail, the way of life he seeks by which to live. At his first level he is on a quest for automatic physiological satisfaction. At the second level he seeks a safe mode of living, and this is followed in turn, by a search for heroic status, for power and glory, by a search for ultimate peace; a search for material pleasure, a search for affectionate relations, a search for respect of self, and a search for peace in an incomprehensible world. And, when he finds he will not find that peace, he will be off on his ninth level quest.
As he sets off on each quest, he believes he will find the answer to his existence. Yet, much to his surprise and much to his dismay, he finds at every stage that the solution to existence is not the solution he has come to find. Every stage he reaches leaves him disconcerted and perplexed. It is simply that as he solves one set of human problems he finds a new set in their place. The quest he finds is never ending."

Clare W. Graves

Soon to be Sophia

Any day now I will become a father to a girl. It is probably one of the first times, in a long time, that I am out of control in the fullest sense. When she arrives is out of my hands, how she arrives is out of my hands. In a world of instant information and "knowledge" of everything; we can't schedule the birth of a child. It happens when it happens. The simplicity of this is both exhilarating and distressing; as it seemingly undermines our modern way of life.

Downtown Tri Cities

Beautiful downtown kennewick. Hockey let's you travel to the most wonderful places!