Thursday, November 15, 2007

Pissed Off!

If I have to hear from one more person: "I bet you are grateful to be alive." I am going to fucking punch them in the head (and not emotionally speaking to reference the 40 Year Old Virgin). My god people! I know you are trying to be understanding and caring and positive. But let me spell it out for everyone so they can get it.

On May 25th, 2007 I died. I accepted my life had come to an end. That was all. I said goodbye to my wife, my love, my mother, my child. I experienced the ending of everything and knowing there wouldn't be a tomorrow...........................

then I woke up. And since then every day has been filled with pain and sorrow of that end. Knowing that I will experience that again. Wanting to be close to people and unable to. Being overwhelmed by anger that by no fault of anyone, I have hurt those I love and seemingly ruined my relationships.

Now we can be cheesy and talk about being reborn, a phoenix, being grateful. The truth is this: I have lost everything in my life and every day in every moment is a reminder of that loss. I feel it every waking moment and it has become so overwhelming that being close to people has become something that is not a possibility. Yet isolating myself is also an excruciating pain.

So please spare me the grateful comments and the joys of life. I am glad you think so. I on the other hand have seen what is the cost of it all and it is unbearable to be aware of.


Tuesday, October 02, 2007


I am broken, have healed....
still have not mended.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

The Night Before.......

The night before..... it is an experience in and of itself. The night before the first day of school. The night before Christmas. The night before the first day of a new job. All my fears, all my aspirations, all my concerns, all the possibilities swirl around keeping me from sleeping. I know I should be rested for tomorrow, but the anticipation and trepidation keep me from my slumber.

Tomorrow (or I should say, today) is the first day of the new hockey season. In 4 hours I will be on the ice. All my concerns, my worries will melt away for that hour as we glide around the rink. Unfortunately, its four hours away, which is fours hours for me to ponder my fears and ponder my hopes.

I pray my hopes will win over my fears.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

The Tick

Tick…..tick…..tick…..tick…..”do not tax their lives with forethought of grief”…. Tick…. Tick…. Tick…… tick…… “Forethought of grief”. Tick…. Tick…. Tick…. Tick…. “free”….. tick… tick… tick…. Escape the forethought of grief? Why? I lay here, watching the sun dance through the leaves above me. The grass against my skin, the tick… tick… tick… tick… A bumble bee flies near me… tick… tick… tick… Free? Freedom from the forethought of grief in the moment? What does that mean? Being is grief and free. Tick… tick… tick… tick… FOCUS! Focus on everything around you, tick… tick… tick… tick… I am focusing! Aren’t I? Tick… tick… tick…. Tick… What else is there to focus on besides my own pulse, my heart thumping in my chest. Tick…tick… tick… tick… tick… free from forethought of grief? Tick… tick… tick… the clock ticks away. Rest in the grace of the world…. Tick… tick… tick… tick… sun dancing through the leaves, blinding then dark and then blinding again. Tick… tick… tick… tick… the metronome continues as a clock ticking down my life. FOCUS! Tick… tick… tick… tick… I am focused! Where else should my focus be but on that which is most important to me… my heart pumping blood through my body. The tick of my artificial valve ticks like a clock in my head. There is no escaping it. Why would I want to? The grass is fine, the sun is nice, but the tick… tick… tick… of the valve. It slows as I breathe deeper. Tick…….. tick…….. tick…… it is a constant reminder of grief to come and grief that has been. When the tick stops, so do I. So I lay here and listen to my life…. Tick….. tick….. tick….. tick….. tick….. and lose myself in my own rhythmic beat of my heart feeling each contraction and grateful for each beat. And in each tick is a grateful acceptance of grief that will be as opposed to a reprieve. Tick….. tick….. tick…… tick…. I embrace my future grief when the ticking will end.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Dust to Dust to Dumb and Dumber

I swear every day I believe that organizations, government, and marketing firms think I get more stupid. The new one is the "Dust to Dust Automotive Energy Report." You can read a little about this here:

  • Hummer versus Prius:
    “Dust to Dust” Report Misleads the Media and Public with Bad Science

  • The anti-hybrid “dust-to-dust” cost study that just won’t die

    While there are a million blogs debunking the bad science, the bad methodology, the motives of the research organization CNW Research; there is a critical piece missing. The following statements are taken straight from CNW Researches website:

  • "To put the data into understandable terms for consumers, it was translated into a “dollars per lifetime mile” figure. That is, the Energy Cost per mile driven. This is a general-consumer report, not a technical document per se. It includes breakdowns of each vehicle’s total energy requirements from Dust to Dust but does not include issues of gigajuelles, kW hours or other unfriendly (to consumers) terms. Perhaps, in time, we will release our data in such technical terms. First, however, we will only look at the energy consumption cost."

    Gee thanks! I don't think my feeble mind could even comprehend such complicated concepts as kW hours or gigajuelles, especially if I am interested in comparing environmental issues like, oh,... ENERGY CONSUMPTION! This has to be the worst cover for saying, "we have bad methodology and so we won't disclose it." No where is the methodology of the study offered or the data (something that is considered required for ANY academic or research publication.) This "report" is great example of how information can be created in a social context and justified by feeble logical fallacies, specifically Ad Verecundiam in this case.

    It is amazing how article headlines, short tag lines, and buzz phrases have replaced (or is attempting to replace) actual critical thought that requires information to be digested and analyzed.

    I ask nicely of my government and research organizations:


  • Monday, June 11, 2007

    When one faces death......

    Recently, I went to the ER because I didn't feel "right". Nothing more, nothing less. No extreme pain. No specific symptom. My expectation was that I had some infection or something and they would give me some medication. I ended up having an aneurysm and needed open heart surgery to replace my ascending aorta and my aortic valve. Reduced down, I accepted in a very brief amount of time (a couple of days) that I could very well die and that I had lived my life. Having a three month year old daughter, this was very hard to come to grips with. I have survived, I am recovering (physically); but there is a residue of this acceptance of my death continues to permeate my being in some ominous fashion. The only escape seems to be irrational grasps at normalcy: eating breakfast at a local diner, seeing friends, watching the NHL Stanley Cup games, playing a board game, posting on a blog. In the end, escape doesn't seem to be possible; nor wise. At some point life and death will both need to become part of my existence, I just don't know how it will be at this point.

    Friday, May 18, 2007

    The Journey of the Human

    "At each stage of human existence the adult man is off on his quest of his holy grail, the way of life he seeks by which to live. At his first level he is on a quest for automatic physiological satisfaction. At the second level he seeks a safe mode of living, and this is followed in turn, by a search for heroic status, for power and glory, by a search for ultimate peace; a search for material pleasure, a search for affectionate relations, a search for respect of self, and a search for peace in an incomprehensible world. And, when he finds he will not find that peace, he will be off on his ninth level quest.
    As he sets off on each quest, he believes he will find the answer to his existence. Yet, much to his surprise and much to his dismay, he finds at every stage that the solution to existence is not the solution he has come to find. Every stage he reaches leaves him disconcerted and perplexed. It is simply that as he solves one set of human problems he finds a new set in their place. The quest he finds is never ending."

    Clare W. Graves

    Thursday, May 03, 2007

    Some Basic Principles of Warfare That Bush Doesn't Get

    Spate of Suicide Bombings Threaten "Surge"

    I would never over simplify the situation in the Middle East and the current situation in Iraq. To be fairly blunt, I have not studied the nuances of the situation and thus in determining what is the best course of action is not within my current capacity. I do, on the other hand, have read some history; which might offer some insight to war in Iraq.

    1. Declare war on enemies and with the purpose of destroying your enemies.

    For some peculiar reason, modern times have seen "military operations" instead of war. War is a useful and powerful tool of a state to declare its will over another state. Utilizing war for anything else is not only foolish, but counter-productive. If a state is unwilling or unjustified in declaring war, it should think of other actions. If a state declares war without the intent of destroying its enemy, the war is lost. This lesson was learned in Vietnam, and I guess we are set to relearn this basic principle of war again.

    2. An occupation is never a liberation.

    I am amazed that people are astounded to hear that suicide bombings are increasing. This is not only surprising, but completely predictable. A military occupation, what ever the reasoning, will never be a liberation. Liberation requires that the people be empowered for their own fate, a military occupation (no matter how cooperative it is) is antithetical to this concept.

    3. Liberty and Freedom are always relative.

    To declare liberty and freedom, but in a specific manner (i.e. the US model's) is antithetical to the very principle of liberty and freedom. It is like telling a child they have the freedom to make any choice they want, as long as it aligns with the parents view. This is not a free choice at all. The outcome of such a situation is fairly predictable, the child will throw a tantrum. When applying the same principles on a grander scale; the outcome is also predictable. There will be an increase in conflict (which is what we are seeing in Iraq).

    4. To Pull Out or Not to Pull Out

    This question to me is a ludicrous question that now needs to be answered. This is like playing the game "just the tip" with your teenage girlfriend and at climax trying to decide, "do I pull out or not." The real question is: Are we at war? If we are at war, then destroy the enemy, nothing short of complete annihilation. This was more clear in ancient times where villages were burned, children killed, and women raped to breed out the people. Culture was not attempted to be saved or synthesized, it was eradicated.

    To believe that war can ever be used to save a culture, protect the innocent, and liberate a people is naive. The only time this occurs is when the local people take up arms for themselves. Even the term "terrorist" is relative. The minute men of the US were thought of as terrorists by the dominant regime during their time. Now they are "freedom fighters". The line between "freedom fighter" and "terrorist" is only where you stand.

    Instead of fighting terrorists, why not avoid conflicts and wars that require people to become warriors for their beliefs. Let those battles take place in conference halls through spoken word, not on the battlefields with 18 year old lives. There are times for war, today is not one of them.

    Thursday, March 22, 2007

    Iraq and Apple = Great Parody

    This parody marries two of the most idiotic strategies currently in the world into a "synergy" of stupidity. Now if only it could gain "traction" in the market place.

    Tuesday, March 13, 2007

    Love It or Leave It!

    How many times have I heard the retort: "Love it or leave it!" I guess Halliburton has heard this and answered:

    Halliburton Moves to Dubai

    I don't understand debating whether Halliburton moved to avoid taxes, investigation, to put them closer to the action, or they just got tired of their surroundings. This debate is pointless and reduces to a he-said/she-said argument. Halliburton is moving their headquarters which is affecting our economy and our countries moral landscape.

    Ultimately, I think Halliburton has a great idea and I would love for the government to support their move and maybe the US could create an entire industry off this model. I would love to see the day when one of our greatest exports is the exportation of CEOs. Maybe we could close the ridiculous gap in pay domestically that has occurred.

    CEOs and the Rest of Us

    Wednesday, February 21, 2007

    Soon to be Sophia

    Any day now I will become a father to a girl. It is probably one of the first times, in a long time, that I am out of control in the fullest sense. When she arrives is out of my hands, how she arrives is out of my hands. In a world of instant information and "knowledge" of everything; we can't schedule the birth of a child. It happens when it happens. The simplicity of this is both exhilarating and distressing; as it seemingly undermines our modern way of life.

    Wednesday, February 14, 2007

    What About The Children?

    When did policy debates get reduced down to: "what about the children?" I was reading the news today and two articles referenced this line of argument once again:

    The first story I can understand more than the second. A man walking around nude (there are references to exposure, but this would assume the person knows his intent and no where in the story did they prove intent). He is about to go on trial for what he has been charged; but has not been found guilty yet. That doesn't matter though, because we have to assume he is guilty and his intent FOR THE CHILDREN.

    The second story is even more ridiculous. The justification for banning cell phones while driving is:

    "But the question remains: Are you willing to let the next person who is injured be your child? To me, that trumps everything."

    The reason quotes like this make any sense is it is a moral high ground that no one can refute and if they try they sound uncaring or cold. The reality of the situation is that people using this type of rhetoric are manipulative. The level of ethical repugnance of using children as pawns to push political or social policies is immeasurable. It attempts to forbid any discourse from taking place by putting the opponents of the "for the children" position on a footing of "evil."

    The world is much more complicated than "for the children" rhetoric that we here. A good example of this is Here is a website that is about capturing child predators. What a great thing "for the children", right? How is it a founder of PJ Xavier Von Erck doesn't even like children? He started the operation to clean up chat rooms and the internet because he was annoyed by being bothered. What ever your view of this website and the TV series from it, the insight to gleen is this: "FOR THE CHILDREN" is a thin reason to do something. Humans are more complicated, people are more complicated.

    Thinking of what is best for our children is an important question. Using the children as a political pawn is a thin veiled attempt to project our values into the world and then use "protecting children" as the method of justification. As opposed to the process of actually discussing those values and evaluating them. If we did things "for the children" then we should be asking:

    • Should we be at war in Iraq? What about the next father who dies. Bring home the soldiers.... for the children.
    • How many kids come home to a home alone. Businesses need to be required to shut down by the time school is out.....for the children.
    • What about the next child who is injured in youth sports. Youth sports should be banned..... for the children.
    • What about the next boy that is violated by a priest. The entire Catholic church should be shut down.... for the children.

    And the list goes on and on and on. These are ridiculous ideas, just as it is ridiculous to use this method to justify most social/political policies. My suggestion: lose the moral high ground methods and actually discuss the issues at hand.

    Saturday, February 10, 2007

    Downtown Tri Cities

    Beautiful downtown kennewick. Hockey let's you travel to the most wonderful places!

    Wednesday, January 24, 2007

    Insight from Mr. Rogers

    Some public stations, as well as commercial stations, program the "Neighborhood" at hours when some children cannot use it ... I have always felt that with the advent of all of this new technology that allows people to tape the "Neighborhood" off-the-air, and I'm speaking for the "Neighborhood" because that's what I produce, that they then become much more active in the programming of their family's television life. Very frankly, I am opposed to people being programmed by others. My whole approach in broadcasting has always been "You are an important person just the way you are. You can make healthy decisions." Maybe I'm going on too long, but I just feel that anything that allows a person to be more active in the control of his or her life, in a healthy way, is important.


    What do you with the mad that you feel?
    When you feel so mad you could bite.
    When the whole wide world seems oh so wrong
    and nothing you do seems very right.

    What do you do?

    Do you punch a bag?
    Do you pound some clay or dough?
    Do you round up friends for a game of tag?
    Or see how fast you go?

    Its great to be able to stop.
    When you planned the thing thats wrong.
    And do be able do something else instead.
    And think this song:

    I can stop when I want to
    I can stop when I wish
    Can stop stop stop anytime
    And what a good feeling to feel like this
    and know the feeling is really mine
    Know there is something deep inside
    That helps us become what we can
    For a girl can someday a lady
    and a boy can be someday a man.

    —Frederick Rogers,