Pissed Off!

If I have to hear from one more person: "I bet you are grateful to be alive." I am going to fucking punch them in the head (and not emotionally speaking to reference the 40 Year Old Virgin). My god people! I know you are trying to be understanding and caring and positive. But let me spell it out for everyone so they can get it.

On May 25th, 2007 I died. I accepted my life had come to an end. That was all. I said goodbye to my wife, my love, my mother, my child. I experienced the ending of everything and knowing there wouldn't be a tomorrow...........................

then I woke up. And since then every day has been filled with pain and sorrow of that end. Knowing that I will experience that again. Wanting to be close to people and unable to. Being overwhelmed by anger that by no fault of anyone, I have hurt those I love and seemingly ruined my relationships.

Now we can be cheesy and talk about being reborn, a phoenix, being grateful. The truth is this: I have lost everything in my life and every day in every moment is a reminder of that loss. I feel it every waking moment and it has become so overwhelming that being close to people has become something that is not a possibility. Yet isolating myself is also an excruciating pain.

So please spare me the grateful comments and the joys of life. I am glad you think so. I on the other hand have seen what is the cost of it all and it is unbearable to be aware of.

-J