The Tick

Tick…..tick…..tick…..tick…..”do not tax their lives with forethought of grief”…. Tick…. Tick…. Tick…… tick…… “Forethought of grief”. Tick…. Tick…. Tick…. Tick…. “free”….. tick… tick… tick…. Escape the forethought of grief? Why? I lay here, watching the sun dance through the leaves above me. The grass against my skin, the tick… tick… tick… tick… A bumble bee flies near me… tick… tick… tick… Free? Freedom from the forethought of grief in the moment? What does that mean? Being is grief and free. Tick… tick… tick… tick… FOCUS! Focus on everything around you, tick… tick… tick… tick… I am focusing! Aren’t I? Tick… tick… tick…. Tick… What else is there to focus on besides my own pulse, my heart thumping in my chest. Tick…tick… tick… tick… tick… free from forethought of grief? Tick… tick… tick… the clock ticks away. Rest in the grace of the world…. Tick… tick… tick… tick… sun dancing through the leaves, blinding then dark and then blinding again. Tick… tick… tick… tick… the metronome continues as a clock ticking down my life. FOCUS! Tick… tick… tick… tick… I am focused! Where else should my focus be but on that which is most important to me… my heart pumping blood through my body. The tick of my artificial valve ticks like a clock in my head. There is no escaping it. Why would I want to? The grass is fine, the sun is nice, but the tick… tick… tick… of the valve. It slows as I breathe deeper. Tick…….. tick…….. tick…… it is a constant reminder of grief to come and grief that has been. When the tick stops, so do I. So I lay here and listen to my life…. Tick….. tick….. tick….. tick….. tick….. and lose myself in my own rhythmic beat of my heart feeling each contraction and grateful for each beat. And in each tick is a grateful acceptance of grief that will be as opposed to a reprieve. Tick….. tick….. tick…… tick…. I embrace my future grief when the ticking will end.